An obituary may seem misplaced in a blog about writing
romance, but it in this case, I don't think it is.
Bear with me for a minute.
You see, we romance writers spend a long time coming up with
arguments.
Our characters have
fights.
Big, whopping ones.
The more passionate, the better.
And then, of course, they make up.
Sometimes, it's another, outside force that keeps our hero
and heroine apart, but many times, it's a misunderstanding, a miscommunication,
or downright conflicting interests.
The
higher the stakes, the more opposite their interests, then the more the sparks
fly and the more satisfying that happy ever after resolution.
If we look at the real world around us though, it seems a
rare thing these days, for people to have seriously conflicting interests or
hold opposite views on an issue, and yet still respect or even come to love
each other.
Too often, people are quick
to write others off entirely. How often we
hear things like, "If you think that, well then you must be a horrible,
evil person! I won't even speak with you!"
Is it not possible for people to disagree and yet still love
each other?
I like to think that's what our romance novels are there for
- to prove it is.
That's where the obituary comes in, and not because I'm
burying the possibility.
It's because I
want to pay tribute to the man who most taught me the extent to which it is
indeed possible.
This week, my college friend Mary Clare unexpectedly lost her father. He was on vacation, went to sleep at night and didn't wake up in the morning.
Perhaps the news hit me so hard because my sister and I have spent the past few weeks coping with having our own father in and out of ICU. But perhaps it was also because, aside from my own father, Mary Clare's dad was probably one of the biggest influences in
my life.
Outwardly, the influences are obvious: I followed into his profession.
I attended the graduate school where he'd been a teacher. The professors there ceaselessly
picked on me, starting class with questions like, "So, Ms. Koenings, what
would Mary Clare's dad have said about this case?" The result was that I approached my entire
pre-romance-author career with the attitude of "How would Mary Clare's dad
handle this?" My first job offer was from the same firm where he had begun his career.
That's just the external stuff. The bigger stuff is that her dad was an
amazing human being. He was kind, he was funny, he was humble. He was so charming that even the people who
were determined to hate him would meet him and leave totally enamored of
him.
Why would people be determined to hate him? Well, he was a lawyer and then a judge. Lawyers deal in conflict. Arguments are their bread and butter. Lawyers make enemies. Fighting with others is
their profession. Some of the fights judges
see, romance authors would be hard pressed to come up with even in our wildest
dreams.
Many people take it personally. He never did. Some of his
best friends were lawyers who were almost always on "the other" side.
They pretty much never agreed on anything - and yet he had the biggest capacity
for friendship. He respected people and didn't hold their arguments or beliefs against
them as people.
People's arguments and views may be valid, or not. You can
argue against them, or not; they may change, or not – but they aren't what
make people. A person's opinion on one issue isn't what makes her good or
kind, what makes her love her kids, or enjoy punk rock instead of Mozart, or choose
pistachio ice cream over brownies.
He once said of a very good friend, "She's a nice person, what's not to like?" - this about a woman who disagreed with almost every value he'd spent his professional life fighting for!
No matter how differently we view the world, chances are we
have a lot more in common on which to build bridges than we think we do. And
certainly, we're all worthy of being treated with respect, kindness and good humor.
Those of us who were fortunate to be influenced by Mary Clare's
dad are better people for it and the world is a better place for the family and friends he leaves behind.
So back to the romance bit of this post: If the world were really full of people like this, it should be no surprise
for two people with wildly conflicting interests to fall madly in love, right?
If anything, that just adds a little spice to
the love story...
Milou
Koenings is a USA Today best-selling author. She writes romance because, like chocolate, stories with a happy ending
bring more joy into the world and so make it a better place.