Memories, to a very large extent, are what make us who we are. They form our history and inform our present. The sharing of memories bonds us to others. Memories guide us, provide context, support wisdom, and serve as a foundation for creating stories, for art, for imagination…and for how much more? Without memories, our lives and our stories would be colorless until we build more memories.
But what if we can’t?
I visited my mom yesterday. She was a smart, capable woman. She was an amateur genealogist. She was a computer whiz when it came to surfing, shopping and saving photos. She was a gardener who grew azaleas, bleeding hearts, and nurtured her beloved peonies. She was a daughter, wife, and mother, a grandmother and great-grandmother, and she was the best paper-doll maker in the whole world. Now she has Alzheimers and lives in a memory care unit in an assisted-living home.
As the disease progressed and she lost parts of herself (not literally, but that’s how it felt to me) I grieved constantly. First, she lost the ability to make new memories and reasonable decisions. Then, in the ten minutes it took me to travel from her home to mine, she’d forget she’d just seen me. Next, fear overwhelmed her because she knew something was wrong with her world, but couldn’t understand what, why, or how to fix it. Then began the trips up the street. Her sweet, loving neighbors who’d known her for decades, would see Mom walking with purpose (to where, she couldn’t say) and would speak to her with kindness, cajole her, then take her home and call me.
Then the dreadful day came when she had to leave her home forever for a new place, a place where she would be safe, if not happy.
My grief has eased as I’ve ceased to fight against reality and inevitability. Now, it’s sufficient for me to see her content and safe, and catch an occasional glimpse of the person I remember. To appreciate a good day. To love what remains. When I visited her yesterday, she smiled and we conversed and laughed. Despite the missing pieces, it was worth more than I can say.
No one expected this. Not her. Not us. No one does.
Yesterday’s visit got me to thinking about what happens when we are unable to create new memories and, over time, lose the ones we've gained through the years.
The stories of our lives, our experiences, the stories we pass on from generation to generation, fuel the creation of fiction. The places, the characters, the incidents, the voices we hear in our heads when we are writing a book, who demand to be heard – what happens to them when we lose them? Fiction or non-fiction, they become as dust, never to be savored again, no longer able to be shared.
So, what’s the takeaway? What’s the “moral” of this story?
Don’t wait. Do it today.
Tell it today. Sing your song, tell your tale, make new memories even as you cherish and share the old ones. And while you’re at it, kiss your sweetheart, hug your grandbabies, cuddle your pets – dance the dance and yell and cry and tell the stories of your heart.
On behalf of my mom who’d tell you this if she could – DO IT NOW.
~ * ~
Grace Greene, an award-winning and USA Today Bestselling author, writes stories of love, suspense and inspiration. Her Emerald Isle, NC books include her debut novel, BEACH RENTAL, which received a 4.5 star Top Pick rating by Romantic Times (RT Book Reviews). The sequel, BEACH WINDS, also received a 4.5 Top Pick rating, and a short story, BEACH TOWEL, and novella, BEACH CHRISTMAS, are currently available. "It's always a good time for a love story and a trip to the beach."
Grace also writes stories set in rural, small town Virginia. "Follow a Virginia Country Road and take a trip to love, mystery and suspense with a dash of Southern Gothic."
A Virginia native, Grace lives in central Virginia. Contact Grace via her website, GraceGreene.com and while you're there, please sign up for her newsletter! Find her on Twitter as @Grace_Greene and on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/GraceGreeneBooks.
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This is wonderful advice, Grace...advice I will heed. Please do me a favor. The next time you visit your mother, please give her a big hug from me. God bless.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Donna. One thing I've learned about visiting folks in memory care units - they love visitors and when you visit one, you visit all.
DeleteOh Grace, that's a heartbreaker. I'm so sorry you, your mom, and your family are going through this. You're absolutely right about writing down and otherwise preserving our memories. They are a precious resource that only we can share.
ReplyDeleteYou are right. When the memories and family knowledge is gone, it is truly gone. Share now.
DeleteThis blog post touched my heart Grace. I'm on this journey with my Mom. In the early stages and on the meds that supposedly slows the progression of this terrible diesease. My Dad is her 24/7 caretaker but even some days he needs a break. On Saturday mornings I pick my Mom up we go to Yards Sales and to Dunkin Donuts for coffee. I'll take her shopping sometimes because Dad has never had the "let's take 2 hours to look around" patience. But I can do this for them, they raised me to be the woman I am. Bless you Grace and I will keep you and yours in my thoughts!
ReplyDeleteGrace, my family has been through this. Hugs to you your Mom. Those little moments when you see her shine through will never be forgotten
ReplyDeleteWe must cherish what we can. I wish my mom didn't have to go through this. It seems like there are so many going through the same thing now.
DeleteThank you for sharing from your heart, Grace. My grandma had Alzheimer's and it was so, so hard to watch it claim her memories - the very essence of who she was. Big, warm hugs to you, your family, and your mom.
ReplyDeleteGrace, my mother died in 1999 from Alzheimers. It broke my heart to watch her go from a nurse who helped thousands of people to not remembering who the people were around her. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteHaving lost my mom with Alzheimers, this was a very touching story. Thanks so much for sharing. Prayers for you and your family as you are going through it nw.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ann. I know that when she's truly gone that I'll regret the moments I missed where I could've spent time with her, so while she enjoys my visits I try to find joy in them, too, but sometimes it's hard.
DeleteThat's so hard to go through. My mom doesn't have Alzheimer's but is losing memory, so I have some understanding of at least the early stages. I'll keep you all in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteGrace, hugs to you and your mom. You given us such a touching reminder to reach for our dreams now. Don't wait. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThank you for going past your own sorrow to remind us to cherish what we have now. Hugs and prayers for you and your family, Grace.
ReplyDeleteThis is so hard on families. Also very hard on the person in the beginning, they know certain things in their memory and become very frustrated. I am a nurse so I see it frequently, a very nasty illness, but it does help with supporting families. My heart breaks when there is no family that comes in.
ReplyDeleteShari - I know what you mean. We see certain family members of the residents regularly. Others never seem to have visitors. I presume they do but just visiting on a different schedule from me. We always try to speak to everyone and include everyone in our visit. Mom is very lucky and she's in a nice place. That's a huge relief.
DeletePrayers for you Grace as you deal with the new reality. My grandfather had dementia in his later years. He used to work for the newspaper and was whip smart. So sad to see him lose who he was.
ReplyDeleteBoth my mother and mother-in-law had dementia in their later years and it was hard to see them slide away from the strong, capable women they were. Thank you for sharing your journey.
ReplyDeletePraying for your strength. We have a loved one in assisted living who losing the battle in health and memory. He shares the room with his wife who was able to stay in denial for a long time but now he has gone from cane to walker to wheel chair in less than a year. We recently took them to visit her family where he too is much loved. It was impossible for others not to ask him questions as they tried to include him, but to every question, his calm answer is "I don't remember". My heart breaks as I watch him try to find his drink on the table or to figure out how to eat the food placed in front of him. But there is still a spark of the man we all love. I pray that he maintains that spark and amazingly, he still remembers some of us. That is a true gift from God. We know that is one that will not last for ever but it is one that we treasure. We got news recently that the assisted living home, which does not have a memory care facility will keep him with his wile even if he becomes bedridden, unless anger becomes an issue. That is another gift, as long as he remembers her. They celebrated 58 wonderful years together this month. Thank you for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteWhat a poignant message. I can't imagine how hard it must be to see your beloved mother suffering. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into this situation and passing on the message to do it now. Very wise words.
ReplyDeleteMy Dad is in the middle to last stages of this terrible disease and it breaks my.heart. I was just today because my Mom his 24/7 care taker had a doctor appointment. He has had two heart attacks since February and since coming home from the hospital last Monday gas gotten cellulitis in his hand. My heart goes out to every family that is walking this heart breaking journey with their love one. {{{HUGS}}} to you!
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